Excluded...

Last night I decided to meet my SIL and nephews at Zuma's. She was meeting her sister and niece along with some co-workers who were bringing their children there after work. And I thought it would be a fun outing for Cam because he found out yesterday he will be on the honor roll again this quarter. He is graduating from elementary school next week and so his teacher wanted him to know he was graduating with honors :) So anyway he is all excited about middle school next year and summer break coming up and finishing with such high marks. So I figured Zuma's would be a fun way to celebrate. I called her right before I left work to see if she was still going and to get directions. And then I called V to check on Corey's mood. When she answered the phone I could barely recognize her voice because her allergies were acting up. She said Corey was in a pretty good mood...nice and calm. But once I heard her voice it didn't matter because I wouldn't leave him with her I am sure she needed and wanted a break. Besides she had Corey most of Memorial Day weekend and I always try to be sensitive to how much time she spends with him.

Now I must insert here that I sometimes forget the limitations Corey places on me. I will go through a period of relative peace, at least for me. Scheduling will work out with V for a period of time and I will get lulled into thinking I can just pick up and do things like the average person would. So I went to pick Corey up then Cam and we headed off to the fun center. When I called my SIL to let her know I was there and got her voicemail I instantly remembered how she can be. She doesn't tell me about plans and events to invite me. She mentions them to exclude me. She will send out an email on Thursday with this list of things she is going to do knowing I probably can't go. It's a 10 year long event so I am not sure why I was taken off guard. But despite the fact that my nephew and Cam are only 8 months apart, me and my SIL went to the same school and she lived down the street from my ex, and she is married to my brother :)...she has never actually invited me to an event. She will just tell me what is up and on some rare instances I will show up. So last night was one of those rare instances, V wasn't available so I had Corey in tow, and the moment Cam saw where we were heading his eyes gleamed with excitement. Certainly everyone already knows what happened next.

Corey had a good old fashioned full fledged melt down...the kind he hasn't had since he began taking medication. And once it got started there was no stopping it. But I didn't want to make Cam leave so I took Corey to the car until I could come up with a plan B. No such luck Corey kept running out of the car, beating the doors, running back inside and then back outside and then all through out the parking lot. So time to think of a plan B went out the window. I pretty much just dragged him to the car and left. Now I know I shouldn't have left Cam there. But the situation became pretty sticky really quickly, my SIL and brother were there, and I really didn't want to make Cam leave. So I rode off with Corey, I went around the corner to the mall and walked around...bought him a treat (yes I know I was rewarding poor behavior but desperate times call for desperate measures). By the time we blew about an hour at the mall Corey was calm. So I stopped to pick up dinner and then headed back to the fun center. I walked in and there was Cam in the game room having a blast. He was all sweaty with stories of how he wrecked the go cart and tried his luck at the batting cage. I asked him where his aunt and uncle were and he hunched and said he didn't know. "When they saw Corey acting up in the parking lot they just walked off and I just went and played on my own...but don't worry mom I had a great time" when he added don't worry mom I had a great time I fixed my face because I have to assume my anger was showing. But damn it sure is nice to have that whole village helping me raise my child (insert sarcasm here)...

I know I shouldn't be frustrated by the same old crap 16 years in but sadly this stuff still hurts no matter how many times it happens.

"Special" needs...

A portion of a journal entry from a few weeks ago...

Corey discovered his penis a little over a year or so ago. I have left that whole situation alone. I know he masturbates, I do the laundry after all. And to be honest I am relieved he figured out how to relieve the raging hormones I know he must be experiencing at 16 without me having to intervene. I mean talk about ick, try the idea of teaching your 16 year old how to rub one off when he can't sleep! So he figured it out, phew for me. I have been able to keep it light not make a production out of the erections etc. and if we are in public and he has more than 5 minutes on his hands and I start to see the attention heading south I can just say in a very matter of fact voice "Corey get out of your pants, or leave your pants alone" and he moves right on along. Which is another phew as far as I am concerned. But on Thursday the principal called me...this is not his old school thank God so it wasn't a call to pick Corey up, or a call threatening to sue me. No the principal just wanted to make me aware that Corey cupped a girls vagina in school. Sigh...yep as she put it (he touched one of the female student's genitalia) and he seemed to know where he was going and what he was doing....Double sigh. Yes I know he is just a 16 year old boy and I knew this would become an issue sooner or later but like any other parent I was really hoping for later. Much later if you want to know the truth. So the principal told me what happened, she said the teacher ran over right away and told Corey to stop but didn't make too big of a deal over it. And just moved him to another task. Ok, but we all know this isn't going to go away. And if 15% of my angst is having to deal with this at all the other 85% is that my son really won't be able to experience something so fundamental. What I wouldn't give for him to be a normal 16 year old...with his first real girlfriend copping a feel on his girlfriend over the long weekend during a movie or something. But unfortunately that isn't the way this is going to be for him. And with every milestone, with every incident, and issue I am reminded that my son won't have the "normal" life we prize and at the same time take for granted so much.

So fast forward to this week when SE told me he just found out his son's girlfriend is pregnant.. He has a 16 year old son too. He just showed off the pictures from the prom last week. I honestly didn't know what to say...what words of advice to give. And I wonder how on earth I would handle the same situation. I swear at the end of the day it doesn't matter if your child is typical or special needs...parenting is just hard.

HNT-51

It has been awhile since I posted a HNT so I figured I would come back with a bang...

Happy HNT.

To post or not to post...

I am surprisingly undecided about what to do with this blog. I am not inspired to kill it but lately I haven't found the time to write a post. I find it much easier to journal to just write what is going on in my day to day. But this blog had a different tone to it and of course I have other places where I journal...

So what has been going on in Cat's world? Well it appears the cure all that was amatadine and respirdal is starting to wear off with Corey. This makes me sad in a way I can't even articulate because it speaks to my biggest fear about starting medication in the 1st place. Which is where does it end? Will we be in a constant adding and adjusting medication phase for the rest of his days? It appears so and I won't lie as nice as the quiet was. And I must say considering what the year before was like this year has been relatively quiet. There is still a big part of me that wishes I had never started the meds. Friday was the 1st day this school year where someone called and asked me to pick Corey up. And he had a pretty nice fit...and it's been awhile so it took everyone including me and V off guard. When I went to pick him up from V's yesterday she admitted she gave him an extra half pill of respirdal because he was in rare form. And I know she was right to do it. But it makes me sad maybe it's just a reminder that he is autistic and nothing is going to change it. Maybe it's as simple as that but either way I am struggling with it.

I met someone yeah I probably should repeat that for those who don't read me elsewhere. I MET SOMEONE. And he is handsome and sweet and into me and quiet and calm and he makes me feel special and relaxed. When he came to visit me (because he lives in Charleston) he actually asked "so why me" Can you imagine? He wanted to know what he did to meet someone like me...and lately I have to admit I have been wondering the same thing...could it be that in the middle of my constant angst over being mom supreme that I could have met someone special? It is much too early to say for sure but right now it appears so. And I guess it's a good thing I had the accident because my old car never would have made the jaunts to Charleston I always seem to be making lately.

I have been in a bit of a dilemma with Presidential race. I have always liked Hilary despite what most others say but could I resist the opportunity to vote for Barrack? I guess we will find out today because the primaries are here and I have to make up my mind one way or another...