Big Dreams Meme...

Trueself tagged me and I must thank her so much. I get so tired of ranting, whining, and moaning. And this meme is the perfect thing to move away from the whine to a little cheese for a change.

'Write five things you want to be when you grow up. Big dreams that seem like folly, but in your heart of hearts are very real and dear to you. Things that maybe you have forgotten about in the ebb and flow and toil of the everyday, but that never really leave your soul. What you would do if anything was possible?'

1. Go back to school.
I’m stealing this from Trueself who stole it from Bunny. But is so true for me too. I want to go back to school so much. I don't care about building a career as much as I want to further my own personal education. I want to improve myself...I guess that is the bottom line. It doesn't matter how much I read or how much I pay attention until I have more than a couple of semesters of Community College I will never feel educated. And for me having that is very important.

2. Open my own bookstore/independent movie house, and coffee shop.
This is a long standing dream of mine. I have always thought it would be cool to have like a 2 or 3 screen movie house. One where the foreign films, the independent movies, and the really good movies that aren't made with Lindsay Lohan and her crowd in mind could play. And I would like to tie that into a one stop shop if you will with a bookstore and coffee shop. Just because it would make me happy to go out looking for the interesting movies and finding the books that aren't for the 6th grade readers and having a cup of coffee with the folks who appreciate my finds.

3. Travel.
I have never been further west than Kansas City...I went to Florida once but never to the Gulf Coast. I have never been outside of the United States. I want so much to travel to Africa, Australia (I wasn't kidding when I said I was jealous Fusion), Rome...There are so many places to see outside of NY, Atlanta, and Charleston and I want to see them all.

4. Save enough money to pay off my mortgage early.
Early, hell now :) It never really bothered me to work. I will probably be one of those Nimrods who works part time when she is 60. Or maybe I will have my movie house and then I will probably run it until I die. The truth is I like having a purpose, earning my keep, getting up in the morning, doing a good job, and getting paid for it. It's part of my DNA. But I absolutely hate feeling I am held hostage to my paycheck. Feeling like if I got fired I would not be able to take care of myself or my children. I hate worrying about money and making ends meat. So for me the true utopia is not retirement but paying off my home. Knowing that no matter what I own the roof over my head. That would be a huge weight off my shoulders.

5. Do something globally significant.
This is such a dumb thing but it's something that I have always wanted. I have always wished I had talent, or money, or the connections that would make it possible to do something significant. A bit like Bono from U2...the idea that I could do something...just me...to bring water to a village...or help a group of people in need...or find a cure for autism...you get the idea. Something that would make my time on earth more than consumption. More than trying to fulfill some sexual fantasy, or gain some possession, or just take care of me and mine and never step outside of my reality. Something that would make it possible for someone who isn't a part of my day to day...who didn't necessarily do anything for me or to me...to feel glad to have known me because of something positive I did.

Now, I am to tag five more to the task. Hmm, well certainly everyone must have dreams. So whose would I love to read? Trueself stole a lot of the good choices LOL...But I got to read Serenity's so I guess I can come up with 5 others.

Tom yes I know you hate memes but I am curious so there.
Fusion
Deb
Digger who never reads me here I don't think. But I am willing to take a chance because I am curious about his answers.
Oblivion

Not that I wouldn’t love to read others too, but these were the ones I thought of first. Feel free to steal this meme if I didn't tag you, and let me know in the comments that you've done it so I can come read!

HNT-44

Yet another gift from a co-worker...There appears to be a theme here.

Anyway Happy HNT.

Mild...

Now one of these episodes can last 15 minutes or all day. And you never know what is going to set Corey off. Tonight for some reason he didn't want to accept he was finished with dinner. He didn't want to accept it was time to leave the kitchen. I worry about him, I worry that he will never learn how to deal with things without this type of behavior. And I worry that when he is not with me or V this behavior won't be tolerated and he will be hurt because of it. In the scale of tantrums I would consider this one to be mild. It was over in about 30 minutes which isn't too bad. But not the way one wants to spend their Tuesday evening.

You, Me, and She...

Well there is talk of lip gloss and slippery lips...and Fusion is going to be a grandpa. So what is going on in judge and cover land? Well I think my mom and my inability to get along with her is going to take center stage for awhile.

She is taking care of Cam for me after school. I wanted to give Cam the opportunity to come home after school instead of going to daycare this year and I knew my mom could use a little extra money so...I knew having her here every day would be a challenge but I figured the end justified the means. But with the wedding and my grandmother's rapid decline lately I wonder if mom and I will be on speaking terms by Christmas.

You see my grandmother and I have always been close, I am fairly certain I am the reason she moved down here in the 1st place. She moved about 5 minutes away from me and the whole thing with grandma was probably the nastiest chapter in my family's history. My grandmother is an alcoholic and her body began to decline about 5 years ago. My grandfather died of liver failure when I was 6 but grandma didn't change her behavior and now she is a 73 year old with a body of a 173 year old. Anyway she has episodes of extreme paranoia with people after her or trying to get her keys away from her. And one day she just showed up on my mom's doorstep. She didn't call or anything. My uncle thought she was missing and he had called the police trying to find her when she didn't answer her phone and he found her apartment empty. And then about 4 hours after his call here comes my grandmother rolling up in a cab. She had taken the train down here...Of course my mom wouldn't send her own mom away. But my mom and grandmother never got along. When I was a kid my mom would tell me that grandma never loved her. She didn't know why or what she did she just knew it was true. I couldn't understand what she meant really because grandma to me was always confidante and loving care giver. But when I got older it was obvious to see the difference between how she treated me and how she treated my mom. When my grandmother arrived on my mom's doorstep my dad was living with her.

I have to insert here that my mom and dad have a very complicated history and my grandmother has always hated him. My mom met my dad when she was 15 she was best friends with his sister. My dad moved to NJ with his wife and 2 children to find work like many people did in the 50s and 60s. Anyway he was 10 years older than my mom, married, with 2 children. For a couple of years my mom was friends or acquainted with my dad...like she can recall the story of one of my dad's girlfriends burning up his clothes because he lied about leaving his wife and led her on...But during my mom's senior year she became one of the girlfriends...and they had a long history that still exists to this day.

When my grandmother arrived my dad had moved in with mom and they were planning on getting married as soon as his divorce was final. Which began 2 years of pure torture for my mom I think. Now I don't think my dad was ever going to get a divorce. He is my dad but he is just one of those guys and maybe because he is my mom's 1st love she will never see that about him. But my grandmother didn't help the situation. My mom had money struggles, relationship struggles, and she had her mother living with her and she just couldn't deal anymore. When she sold the house she said it was because of the financial woes and I am sure that is partly true. But I think with my dad gone she just wanted out, away from grandma and selling the house seemed to be the easiest way to get that. But my grandmother didn't want to move back to NJ and she decided she was going to live with me. Now I must insert here that I CAN'T say no to my grandmother. But there was no way her and Corey were going to make it under the same roof. So my mom stepped in, called my uncle, and brought her a train ticket. Now we get to the ugly part...My grandmother refused to leave my house and my mom had to physically remove her. She carried her out and everything. You are probably wondering what I did...I left them fighting because I couldn't deal with it. I left and took the boys to school. My mom told me her and grandma got into a physical fight that morning...said things to each other they can never take back and ultimately missed the train. But instead of leaving mom waited until the next train departure and made sure grandma was on it. But the twist is my uncle didn't want her to live with him either. So maybe two weeks went by with mom and my uncle going back and forth on the phone about who was going to "keep" grandma. With my uncle saying how his wife and grandma couldn't get along and my mom reminding him that she didn't have a place to live she was staying with my brother and I had the boys and enough on my plate as it is.

Then one morning out of the blue my doorbell rings about 6 am and it's my uncle. He has brought my grandmother back...driven from Jersey City after work if you can believe it. He said she found a senior citizen apartment and that he was going to stay until he had her place secured. He just wanted someone to know she was coming back. So what do you do when you know your mom is going to have a nervous breakdown? You keep it to yourself folks, at least you do if you are me. I didn't say a word all day about grandma. I didn't say a word when my uncle called the next day to tell me he had secured her place and she was moved in and he was heading home. I just got the address and decided to check things out after work. To discover grandma was less than 5 minutes from my house was a bit of a surprise...she had found a place right down the street from Cam's daycare no less. But the apartment was empty. My uncle had bought a twin sized bed and left.

That was 3 years ago and since that time I have been bringing things by. And her place is quite nice. It took me about a month to tell my mom about grandma and it took her about 6 months to go by and visit. Which brings us to now...grandma is getting worse, much worse actually with dementia and paranoia. A decision will have to be made soon because I don't think grandma can be left on her own much longer. Even with me stopping by a couple of days a week. My mom finally gave up on my dad and announced out of the blue that she was marrying some guy from church.

My mom has always resented me...I used to think it was because she and I are so different. But I think it's because my grandmother has always shown me love and never showed it to her. And now we have my mom and her comments, a wedding, and a very ill grandmother who I may wind up taking care of full time.

Stick a fork in me...

Because I am done, done, done I tell you. I was so angry this morning...so pissed off that I actually felt like crying or kicking someone. Since my rage was because of something as ridiculous as a school bus I think I may need a mental health break or something. We are 8 weeks into the school year and we still don't have a firm pick up time for Corey. He has 4 substitutes alternating because his bus driver is out on workers comp. Yep she went out 3 weeks into the school year and I do believe she is going to ride this for all it's worth. The main problem is they can't find people who want to drive the short buses. They have to go to residences instead of general bus stops, they have to use the lift for wheel chairs in some cases, and they generally have a little more work to do than the average bus driver. But we are 8 weeks in and I still find myself waiting...sometimes for as much as an hour and a half. Why? Because once I give Corey the expectation that he is going to ride the bus I have to stick with that expectation or deal with a major melt down. So no big deal right? I get Corey up, lay out his clothes, he eats his breakfast and then waits for the bus while I get ready for work, right? Wrong...I do all those things and then I have to wait with Corey because he will run out into the street or run around back and let the puppy out or any number of things really but none of them will be waiting for the bus. So I wait and watch and when I can't stand it anymore I call to see where the bus is. Now keep in mind if the bus leaves half the route (which they are known to do) and arrive at my house early they are not going to blow the horn or even slow down. I must be outside on the steps waiting for the bus 15 minutes before the scheduled time but they may not come until 45 minutes after the scheduled time. So I have played this game for 8 weeks now...did I mention already that it's been 8 weeks? And I tried being polite and understanding...they have staffing issues, ok...they have yet another new bus driver, ok. The bus driver didn't know where I lived and that's why they passed us standing there waiting and yelling after them while they barreled down my residential street going 45 mph, ok. But this morning I was done and when I called and the dispatch woman began with the excuses...we have yet another new substitute I told her I didn't want to hear that anymore, when she began to explain about the regular bus driver being out on workers comp I again told her I didn't want to hear that anymore either. So she asked me to hold on and she went to get her supervisor and he immediately began to apologize and did the "I understand why you are upset but" and then began making all the same excuses that I have heard for 8 weeks. Now I should insert here that while I am having this tirade on the phone. I am getting ready for work, which I am very late for because the bus came an hour late and then passed my house at break neck speed. Cam had a project due today that I had to help him finish and then carry out to the car, and Corey was having a full out fit on the floor in the foyer chanting "school bus" at the top of his lungs because..well because he missed the school bus. Anyway I was in my car by the time I got to the supervisor's excuses, I had just dropped Cam off at school and I was on my way to Corey's school. So I broke into his explanations and said "look I don't give a fuck about your staffing issues really, I just want my child picked up at a reasonable time, and I just want to get to my job on time"...silence...Umm yeah I kind of cursed out the supervisor this morning. And I was inside Corey's school no less so not only does he think I am a bitch but I am sure the school staff thinks I have issues too since I was yelling, spitting mad, and cursing while taking Corey to class. Oh yeah the other gem of Corey missing the bus is I can't just drop him off. I have to sign him in and walk him to his class...Grrr, Grrr, Grrr....

But I am over it now...really I am ;)

HNT-43

No naked pics today folks...instead I have a pic of my hand. Interesting stuff ;) Seriously though I like to have fresh flowers around. Nothing extravagant just the $4 variety you can find at the grocery store or the Farmer's Market. Last week I got lucky with only one flower already in bloom...the rest bloomed during the week and I think they are lovely. And the smell...my entire kitchen is so fragrant from this one bouquet of $4 flowers. It just goes to show sometimes it's the simplest of things that has the most impact.

Lulled...

Ok I think it is time to post something new and move my shameless Monica Lewinsky impersonation down a bit. Corey's birthday sigh...Yes my baby isn't a baby anymore he is a 16 year old with a mustache and a beard. I took him bowling Saturday just me, him, and Cam and he had such a good time. I went early before it became crowded and I didn't bring my camera because he hates it when I do. I followed the "Corey's rules" to a tee. And he seemed to be a very happy young man. And then I let the ease of Saturday and the lack of outbursts the past couple of months lull me into the unthinkable...

Yep I decided to have a few people over to sing Happy Birthday and have dinner with us. Just my mom her fiance and my brother and his family. And even though I was pushing it having people over, all of us getting loud in conversation, the activity level getting high because my mom, SIL, and I turned the early part of the party into an impromptu bridesmaid's dress fitting. Corey was good a bit agitated but fairly calm. So when V called I didn't think it would be a big deal for her to stop by. And it was like a house of cards one person too many. The next thing I know Corey is on the floor with his hands over his ears crying and I am feeling like the worst mom on the planet. I don't know why I have to force what I like on him so much. I know he doesn't like to have our home upset with a lot of activity...I have had 16 years to learn this. Once everyone left I was able to calm him down with the Michael Jackson DVD, some popcorn, and just us. Hopefully I will learn my lesson next year and just stick with the things he likes and take my wants and desires out of it.

HNT-42

I am sure you guys know the drill by now ;)

Sometimes I really love my job...This was a gift from one of my co-workers. A kick ass paddle she brought back from Folsom. Man I wish I could have been there with them. I am not sure if there is any half in this HNT but...

Happy HNT all the same.

Is he talking yet?

The last couple of months have been wonderful with Corey. He has been a lot like he was before puberty hit and it's great to see. I am sure the medication, along with the school move, and also his age is the cause. V was talking about how great it was to start up his community inclusion activities again. The last couple of years have been such a nightmare but now she can take him to the park or bowling again. I made a few changes at home too. This year Corey is riding the bus from home instead of V's house. Because of this he is no longer spending the night during the week. He does spend the night once a week but for awhile there he was spending almost every day with her. But now we are back to normal so to speak. I also took Cam out of after school this year and he is riding the bus home. I am paying my mom to look after him for a couple of hours so for the 1st time in Cam's life he is able to come home after school. There were times when he had to leave 2 hours before school and ride the van to school and then spend 3 to 4 hours at after school. Imagine a 5 or 6 year old leaving the house at 6 in the morning and then not coming home until after 7 at night. I had Corey's annual last week and I was able to secure his funding for another year and I even got more respite hours to make up for the gap he will need filled with his new after school schedule. All good things right?

So what does my mom, mother in law, and family ask? "Is Corey talking yet?"...