Six Weeks...

It has been six weeks since the fateful ankle incident. Hopefully I am only two weeks away from having the boot removed. Mr. Corey is still splitting his time between his dad and our care provider. I think I may have done more harm than good when I went to Special Olympics. It just made him even more upset to spend the day with me and not come home. Something I should have thought of. He has been acting up in school just as much if not more. And this week it finally came to a head with him striking the vice principal. After 5 years of fighting to keep him in an inclusion classroom I am forced to reconsider. Next year his current teacher is moving out of the exceptional children department and into a regular classroom. With Corey already over stimulated most days a new teacher will probably be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So I have decided to allow him to be moved to the Special Needs school. There are many benefits to this move the 1st being the staff's ability to handle his meltdowns. The biggest risk and my fear is Corey picking up behaviors from the most severe students in the autistic population. God forbid my child pick up head banging for example. But at this point it is either move him and hopefully find a way to quell the aggressive behaviors or have him kicked out entirely. I am hoping/praying that after a year he will have improved enough to move back to the au classroom.

My ankle is feeling better I don't gasp if I mistakenly put weight on it the way I did in the beginning. The boot is bigger and harder to drive with than the cast believe it or not. But that is the only complaint I have with it. Cam and I are having the best time together without Corey I am both happy and sad to report. The happiness and calmness I see in him is hard to watch. I am really going to dread telling him that his brother will be home soon. How do you tell a 10 year old something like that? He has been sleeping late on Saturday for the 1st time in his entire life. Going to family gatherings and out in general without drama for the 1st time in almost two years.

Corey's care provider called to catch me up on things she said he had a really tough night. I told her this is the way he has been almost every weekend for months now. And she asked me how I dealt with it?...The truth is I wasn't dealing with it I had curled into a ball and I was just enduring it. I couldn't figure out a way to make it better so I was just enduring it. When Corey jumped on my back and I heard my ankle pop I just curled into a ball. I couldn't get him off he was too heavy and I wasn't willing to do anything violent to him to get him off. It was in that moment that I realized I was willing to sacrifice myself, my safety, and ultimately Cam's safety to keep Corey and to protect him. And I realize now I can't do that it isn't helpful to him. If nothing else came from my ankle the realization I can't just "endure" did. It isn't a choice to figure this out it's a necessity. It is not safe for Corey to be so aggressive and it's not healthy for Cam to live with this. And I am not doing him any favors by enduring it.

HNT-26

Well my lunch break is almost over and HNT ideas are kind of slim. Or should I say most of the ideas I have aren't going to happen today...So I went into the pics with R archives and found this gem. What do you think?

Happy HNT...

Happy Birthday Grandmom...

I wish the scan was better but...this is my grandparents out at their favorite spot. My grandmother's birthday was today. After work my mom and I took her out to dinner. My mom and grandmom aren't close, me and mom have our issues, but me and grandmom are very close. I spent every summer, christmas, and spring break growing up with her. Five years ago she finally decided to move here to be closer to me :) She found a place about 5 miles from my house. I consider myself lucky to be able to visit with her whenever I want. I stopped by for a visit Sunday and I was telling her how afraid I am and I don't know if I can handle the next steps. And in true grandmom form she says "You are more afraid of failure and rejection. You are afraid to fail and you are afraid if you go after what you really want out of life you won't get it. But life is short, nothing ventured nothing gained" How can I not appreciate advice like that?

BTW Special Olympics was great even with me wearing the boot. Mr. Corey participated in 3 events medaled in one (bronze) and received a ribbon for the other two. He was great today, no meltdowns...It was good to show Ms. Apathetic that Corey could handle Special Olympics just fine...

Special Olympics...

Mr. Corey didn't think much of his 1st Special Olympics...and winning a silver medal in the race he participated in didn't seem to help. As you can see he didn't even bother to stand up for his medal. Corey has won many medals over the years...in track, bowling, ice skating, and roller skating.

I got a call from Corey's care provider this morning she said that he had been kicked out of school for the day. It's the 2nd Monday in a row and I swear I am so frustrated with the school and the whole situation if you want to know the truth. But then she said "they just want to make sure he is out for Special Olympics." Excuse me? So I called his teacher and she admitted they are short handed and she doesn't think Corey can "handle" Special Olympics this year. He has been participating since he was 3 years old. And he is going to participate tomorrow. I have agreed to be one of the volunteer parents for the events. Who knows maybe he will medal :) When I listened to his teacher all I could hear was apathy. And it's the apathy that spurred me into volunteering and making sure Corey is allowed to go. If I took that attitude 12 years ago Corey wouldn't have learned to do any of the things he has. If I took that attitude he wouldn't have all of the medals he has won over the years. He wouldn't have the pool of buddies who request him by name because of good experiences in the past. I will not deny this year has been difficult I am the one wearing the boot to prove it. But throwing up my hands and not trying anymore isn't an option.

HNT-25

Removed...you snooze and yes as lame as it sounds you lose.

Well it's HNT time again...I figured I would take one without the boot because honestly the boot is really ugly. A big black monstrosity that aids me in my new Frankenstein walk :)

Happy HNT.

My Soundtrack...

I stole this from Fade to Numb and Finished Last because I thought it was cool and I am so tired of writing about Corey and my ankle. So the soundtrack of my life, hmmm.

Age 0-8 I have always had weird taste in music. On one side there is Rhinestone Cowboy and on the other there is Strawberry Letter 23. And I can't choose one without the other. "Rhinestone Cowboy" is the 1st song I can remember that I liked on my own. The 1st song that wasn't a part of my mom's music collection and wasn't on Sesame Street or Mister Rogers. I probably shouldn't admit it but there it is I loved "Rhinestone Cowboy". But in my defense I was 6 years old at the time. I should probably insert here that listening to rock/pop music was a no-no growing up. My mom was "cool" going to the disco on Friday night. She was NOT listening to "Rhinestone Cowboy". But I did love "Strawberry Letter 23" just as much and mom could tolerate it a lot better.

Age 8-13 The Question Is I used to love this song, whenever I hear it I think of me and mom riding to church. Amy Grant, Rich Mullins, Sandi Patti...it's the music I would hear 24/7. I was part of the youth group, my mom worked for PTL, and I spent my summers at Heritage USA. I wasn't allowed to listen to secular music so I was really immersed in Christian Music during this time. And to be honest I still listen to christian music. DC Talk, Amy Grant, Clay Crosse, or 4Him to name a few. It is part of my music, and at one time it was most of my music. But don't get me wrong I had another side too. My bootleg music that I would copy from my best friend's tapes and then label Amy Grant or Imperials to throw my mom off.

Age 13-18 Do You Really Want to Hurt Me OMG I was such a Culture Club fan...At age 13 two very significant things happened. The 1st is my mom told me I was old enough to decide for myself whether I went to church. Well I had to go on 1st Sunday but the rest of the time it was up to me. The 2nd thing is cable, can we say MTV baby! I was David Bowie, I was Duran Duran, I was Madonna, I was The Pet Shop Boys, I was Billy Idol...and I was still all over the place with a lot of Rap and Rock mixed in. But I think "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" describes this time best...

Age 18-23 It's A Man's World this song is perfect for The hubby era. He is old school R&B with a little rap mixed in. Hubby is also a controlling personality, there was only his music in our house. My music stayed in boxes until I moved out. You can see it was really a man's world, lol. But I would listen to my music in the car. I loved Tears for Fears, as a matter of fact my best friend took me to see them at the Fox Theatre for my 21st birthday. So I'll add Everybody Wants to Rule the World too.

Age 23-28 Just A Girl I used to love "Tragic Kingdom" and "Just A Girl" is the perfect song to describe this time of my life. I was also listening to R.E.M. Everybody Hurts is a good choice for this time period. Oh and I can't leave U2 out...

Age 28-32 What is Love What else would you expect from the girl who grew up in a religious home and married at 21? Yep club music I started going to clubs during this time. And although there is always hip hop threaded within my music I was listening to almost nothing but hip hop, house music, and club music during this time. Is it getting Hot in Here?

Age 32-35 Thank You This song is perfect for this time of my life. I was living life on my terms in MY house. And I was just grateful to be in my own space without a lot of drama. If it Makes You Happy Sheryl Crow was getting heavy air play along with Sarah MacLaughin and Alanis Morrisette. I was listening to a lot of girl music then.

Now... who knows what I might have on the radio. I have Sirius for one thing so I find myself listening to Iceberg Radio or The Coffee House and First Wave definitely gets a lot of air play. But I guess if I am forced to pick a song for now I would have to go with this...



It is as good a choice as any...this is hands down the greatest slash vid of all time :) It's the 1st vid I added to my vodpod and it uses my favorite nine inch nails song which is the icing on the cake.

Hey ya- Peanuts

It is official! Cat is out of the cast!!! I am wearing a boot for the next three weeks but who cares I can take a shower! (I think I need to edit here I can shower without a glad bag over my cast or without breaking my neck trying to keep my leg out of the spray. But for the record I have been showering everyday, sheesh...)

Saturday Snapshot on Sunday :)

I was driving to the mall yesterday to meet my best friend for lunch. It was fairly cold this weekend but the sun was out and the trees are in bloom. I had a guy in a red toyota truck with the confederate flag cut me off in traffic. I had a older woman bump my shoulder because "she just didn't see me standing there" and I wasted my gas rushing to Garden Ridge because it was closed for Easter...Only in the South I swear. But I am sure a pic like this one illustrates why I love living here...

Really Late HNT-24...

Surprise :)

Happy HNT.

Never Judge...

This is indeed my motto. I do believe that I am not a judgemental person by nature. If anything I am interested in the differences. I think all of the differences are what make the world special so why judge?

But there is one area where I find my self pointing a finger and waving my hand....







Frankly I find the Escalade on it's own in this day and age to be obscene. You add the dimwit who was driving one today at lunch. The soccer mom with a frappuccino in her hand weaving in and out of the lane. Doing about 60 in a 35 mile zone with her WINDOWS ROLLED UP! Because she is already running her air conditioner in that damn tank of a car she is driving. Yeah I was judging her. Oh and of course she had a support our troops sticker. Of course. How about turning the damn air conditioner off. Or I don't know car pooling you already have a damn tank surely you can fit more than one person in it. That would probably go a long way in supporting our troops you nimrod! It reminded me a bit of this. I am a liberal is this news???? Ok my rant is over now...

Interview Me...

So, that leaves…

Cat:

I came back from lunch to discover Tom had posted the questions I so naively invited him to ask me. I am not going to include the rest of the rules for this meme because #1 I am out of questions to ask and #2 I am afraid of the next set of questions anyone might ask me. So here goes...

1) How would your life have been different if your family stayed up in NJ instead of moving to NC? Well for one thing I don't think my mom would have found religion and so my upbringing would have been different. And there wouldn't have been the big split in our family so I would probably be closer to my relatives on my mother's side. But I wouldn't even know my dad or his side of the family. I would have a completely different accent, and I probably would have gone to college. I know it seems crazy to add this but I just know I would have for some reason. I suspect I wouldn't have married so young if at all. Most of my family and friends who are still there haven't or waited until there 30s. I guess the short answer is my life would be completely different.

2) You are very open and out there on your blogs. Did you make a conscious decision to do that, or did it just evolve that way? I am very open in general so I think it does unconsciously bleed over. And there is also a part of me that thinks all the cloak and dagger on the Internet is a bit much. I am sure there is a chance that someone undesirable could read all about me and show up on my doorstep but I don't think it is likely. The odds of hubby or my mom stumbling upon my blog are fairly low and if they did I would just make it private or friends only. It would be much worse for my sister-in-law to betray my confidence or my best friend than for anyone in my RL to discover the blog. And I find the writing to be a bit like therapy and a way to connect with others. It seems the more open and honest I am the more of a connection I find. So I guess it is like everything else with me, go big or go home...

3) When did you first begin to think about exploring D/s? What made you finally take the leap to try it out? This is tough for me to answer because I honestly don't remember seeking it out. I think I have always been interested and then the right person came along and the right set of circumstances. I am not sure if I would have taken steps to pursue this without meeting D. But I had the interest long before meeting him.

4) You’ve been separated longer than some people have actually been married. What’s the deal with that? Ugh, also a very tough question. Trying to answer it is like trying to answer the meaning of life or something. I always want to ask hubby why he keeps pursuing me I think it would be an easier answer to understand than why I let this go on. It is partly because of my son, apathy, fear, family, finances, love, history, laziness, and just about every other emotion you could think of. I am still separated because hubby hasn't divorced me, I am afraid to divorce him, I need him to help me care for Corey and I am afraid he won't if I cut all ties. I am too wrapped up in Corey to have another permanent relationship so there isn't another man to motivate me to get a divorce. That is at least 65% of the reason. The other 35% is just insanity.

5) Boxers or briefs? (turning this back on you!) And thongs, french cut, or what? I actually pick my underwear based on my outfit. I have all types including thongs in all colors so they will match my top ( I like to stay co-ordinated ;) And I prefer to wear boxers instead of briefs when the opportunity arises...