I was reading over the last 20 posts on my other blog and I noticed a very common theme. Is it just me or am I writing the same things over and over? And in several places to add insult to injury.
-Yep, you knew I would have to have one of those. I was due for one. My son is home and he is NOT happy. He was up until 5:30 not a big deal but nothing like last week. He was a complete misery last night, this morning, and it looks like this afternoon. My new strategy for 2007 is trying to learn new ways to cope. Because the old ways the things I used to do to get through Saturdays like this are starting to fray at the seams. I am not sure if I am getting too old, worn down, or becoming accustomed to the days he is not here. All I do know is I am beginning to resent not being able to go to sleep after a long day. I am beginning to resent not being able to goof off on the laptop in peace on a gloomy Saturday morning. And I am beginning to resent not being able to just pick up and go without organizing world peace and still being forced to leave early.
-I swear to God I feel like someone should scream "snap out of it" to me while jumping up and down on my head or something. I am not in a positive place. Maybe I haven't been in one for awhile. But whatever I have tried to distract myself from the negatives it is just NOT working. And I don't know what to do to snap out of it. I find it almost impossible to get out of bed. The only thing that motivates me is work, keeping a roof over our heads at least. But once the work obligation is fulfilled I am just useless. I can't seem to get it together. Even when there are things I want to do, places I want to go, it takes me hours just to get dressed just to get out of bed. I am in trouble folks and I am starting to worry that I am not going to be able to pull myself up. I am not sure if I am going to be able to find the bright side of things this time.
-Mom and I had a really good conversation Saturday, I was happy to finally clear the air. It has been almost 2 years since she sold her house and moved in with my brother and his wife. Her move and my silence when it came time to invite her to stay with me has been a HUGE hurdle. It was the 1st time I didn't step in and try to take care of everything. I couldn't do it, and it was probably the 1st time I have been able to see that going in and make the wise decision for myself. I am glad I didn't invite mom with all my son's drama I wouldn't have made it. And I think mom has finally begun to see it too.
-My son was good Saturday night and yesterday but he didn't sleep at all last night. I mean not one wink which was very stressful to say the least. But he wasn't aggressive he just didn't sleep.
-Yesterday was not a good day. Not because anything terrible happened to me mostly because I wasn't able to keep the lid on things. Sadly it only takes one small thing for my pressure cooker lid to pop off. But after I whined, and let me tell you I did, I let it all hang out folks. And after I called Old Flame, yeah I called him because I didn't like the defeatist mood I have been in lately. I deserve someone just for me, someone to call and watch a dvd with and I refuse to accept that because of my son I have given up all hope of having it. So I called Old Flame told him what a nice time I had which I guess was just the cue he needed. Because we have a date on Friday :) And after that I let my son sleep with me. I wasn't in the mood to stay up until 3:00 and I wasn't in the mood to cry all night about the fact that I have to deal with being up until 3:00. And I wasn't in the mood to worry about my son banging the walls or grabbing me. So I turned to Star Wars Episode 1(what can I say we like the movie at my house) and I let him crawl in with me and low and behold it worked. We both slept uninterrupted until the alarm went off at 5:15. Phew, I really needed a night of sleep without crying myself there if you know what I mean.
Of course I had to pay a price for the quiet night and the much needed sleep. It seems his teacher is out for training for the rest of the week. Yep, you guessed it. It's time to suspend him for being autistic again. Here we go again was all I could think this morning when I got the call. "Ms. Cat your son is out of control, he is a danger to the other students, you must pick him up immediately." I don't know why they even bother with this shit. I know his teacher isn't there, if she were she would have called. The minute I get a call from the vice principal I know what is up. It is illegal to suspend a child for exhibiting behaviors when he is already in a special needs classroom. So they never admit to suspending him when I make a stink and ask for a meeting. And when the call they never say, we don't know what the fuck we are doing and we don't know how to redirect and we don't understand autism so can you just keep him home until his teacher returns? I almost wish they would say that it would be less aggravating at least. So anyway I called and secured emergency childcare for him tomorrow and Friday. I guess I will have to kiss any respite hours to go out for my birthday or out period in February good bye. But I didn't really have a choice it was either use the hours or take off work for the rest of the week.
Suprisingly even though I am tired of this shit, even though I called hubby to see if he could help at all this week (of course not), even though I had a bit of a mental melt down yesterday because I found out MNG isn't living my nightmare and since he isn't found someone else to watch a dvd with since it obviously can't be me. Even with all that angst. I am really fine today. I made the calls I needed to make, I was able to secure childcare and didn't have to leave work. Not bad for a days work I must say...
-I have SO much housework to do it is really pathetic. I haven't been motivated lately to do the work. I have all these things I usually just do almost like 2nd nature but lately I have been slow to get things done and believe me it shows. The school called to inform me my son would not be able to come back to school on Monday since Thursday was a snow day. Yeah they are serious about this suspension 3 days and they mean 3 days. But his teacher is back and she told me what happened. He pushed one of the assistants helping out in the room. She was just helping out and I don't think she understood how dangerous grabbing him would be. She is 8 months pregnant she tried to stop him from taking another child's breakfast and he pushed her. She lost her balance and fell into a cabinet and was taken to the hospital. Luckily she wasn't hurt and her baby is fine but obviously my son is in a lot of trouble now. I spoke to his case manager and she will push for a one on one person when we all meet. But beyond that I honestly don't know what to do next. He can be violent when he doesn't get his way and he isn't getting better in that regard. I don't know how to teach him that he can't have everything he sees and I don't know how to teach him that he can't push people or kick and flail when he doesn't get his way either.
In another post I said I was embarrassed for people to see it all, that I was embarrassed for a potential boyfriend to see. But I am not embarrassed for them to see my son is special needs, I am ashamed of how I am handling myself. I am running out of ideas. I am running out of options. And I don't feel like the resourceful ok what else can I do to make things better person I used to be. I feel like I have been taken over by it all and I don't want any witnesses. If my mom came here she would see, the average Joe wouldn't. But mom knows me she knows what a neat freak I am she knows what a perfectionist I am she knows how stubborn I am she knows how much I want and how hard I work to get it and if she saw me now she would know in a second I have stopped fighting, stopped trying. And that is what I don't want a potential boyfriend to see that is the elephant in the room I try to hide.
-Last night my son snuck out of the house and I discovered where he has been going. The house behind mine belongs to a teacher @ my other son's school. The real irony? She was also a one on one care provider for an autistic child a lot like my son for 10 years. What happened you ask? Well it seems the parents had to move when the door chimes and then later the alarm system didn't work. No matter what they tried their son would figure out how to get out while they were asleep he even resorted to climbing out of the window. So he finally snuck out and wound up on Hwy 74. The police threatened to call in social services if the parents couldn't "get their act together" so they moved to a rural area where there was more space. Oh and before this they had received AFL (what I have with with my care provider) because their son had become so violent and they had concern for their 2nd son who was also autistic but not violent. So anyway with AFL funds so their child could stay with the one on one 3 days a week the only other recourse for them was a full time group home setting. Any guesses how long they were on the list with their 24 year old son waiting for a group home spot? 5 years before they moved and they were still waiting..... Yeah good times, now you know why I avoid the parent meetings. I know it is probably burying my head in the sand or whatever but I can live with that.
-My son did sneak off once Monday night but my neighbor just called my cell phone (it was 2:37 folks) and I immediately went to the glass doors called him and he came back. After that he finally went to sleep. I have decided I am not going to do the different alarm route. I am just going to have the sliding glass doors removed and have french doors added. It's a little pricey but well worth my emergency money if it means I can sleep at night. I will have deadbolts added like I have on the front and back door. I sleep with the keys around my neck (yes I am not joking) and once he realizes he can't get out I think he will give it up the way he did before. He spent last night with our care provider and I was seconds away from sleep when MNG called, it is a shame that I can't stay up past 10:00 anymore. But even with the extra sleep I just wasn't in a good mood this morning. Actually I haven't felt like myself since the meltdown. I keep saying I am ok and I keep projecting ok but I am not feeling ok. My whole situation and the feeling of it never ending is weighing on me and for whatever reason I can't shake the heaviness. I really let my other son have it this morning and although what I was upset with him for was valid the level of my anger was not. I actually cried on my way to work this morning. It is just all closing in on me and I don't feel right. I am agitated, aggravated, unmotivated...So what do you do when you feel like one more thing and you are going to snap and never make it back? Well you go to work and pretend it isn't so of course.
To add insult to injury when I asked our care provider how things went this morning she told me he didn't have a good start. She was concerned so she stuck around though his breakfast (yes she is wonderful). And then I got the call, it turns out her staying didn't help his day much and he got progressively worse as the day wore on. And while on the bus on his way to after school he pushed the driver and tried to grab the wheel. That makes two very serious incidents in less than a week. It is getting out of control. Getting, hell it is out of control. I called the neurologist to move up his appointment and I called our case manager so she can move up the meeting to get an extra staff person in the room. But it is really out of control and I am not sure what else I can do to make things better...
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