You, Me, and She...
Well there is talk of lip gloss and slippery lips...and Fusion is going to be a grandpa. So what is going on in judge and cover land? Well I think my mom and my inability to get along with her is going to take center stage for awhile.
She is taking care of Cam for me after school. I wanted to give Cam the opportunity to come home after school instead of going to daycare this year and I knew my mom could use a little extra money so...I knew having her here every day would be a challenge but I figured the end justified the means. But with the wedding and my grandmother's rapid decline lately I wonder if mom and I will be on speaking terms by Christmas.
You see my grandmother and I have always been close, I am fairly certain I am the reason she moved down here in the 1st place. She moved about 5 minutes away from me and the whole thing with grandma was probably the nastiest chapter in my family's history. My grandmother is an alcoholic and her body began to decline about 5 years ago. My grandfather died of liver failure when I was 6 but grandma didn't change her behavior and now she is a 73 year old with a body of a 173 year old. Anyway she has episodes of extreme paranoia with people after her or trying to get her keys away from her. And one day she just showed up on my mom's doorstep. She didn't call or anything. My uncle thought she was missing and he had called the police trying to find her when she didn't answer her phone and he found her apartment empty. And then about 4 hours after his call here comes my grandmother rolling up in a cab. She had taken the train down here...Of course my mom wouldn't send her own mom away. But my mom and grandmother never got along. When I was a kid my mom would tell me that grandma never loved her. She didn't know why or what she did she just knew it was true. I couldn't understand what she meant really because grandma to me was always confidante and loving care giver. But when I got older it was obvious to see the difference between how she treated me and how she treated my mom. When my grandmother arrived on my mom's doorstep my dad was living with her.
I have to insert here that my mom and dad have a very complicated history and my grandmother has always hated him. My mom met my dad when she was 15 she was best friends with his sister. My dad moved to NJ with his wife and 2 children to find work like many people did in the 50s and 60s. Anyway he was 10 years older than my mom, married, with 2 children. For a couple of years my mom was friends or acquainted with my dad...like she can recall the story of one of my dad's girlfriends burning up his clothes because he lied about leaving his wife and led her on...But during my mom's senior year she became one of the girlfriends...and they had a long history that still exists to this day.
When my grandmother arrived my dad had moved in with mom and they were planning on getting married as soon as his divorce was final. Which began 2 years of pure torture for my mom I think. Now I don't think my dad was ever going to get a divorce. He is my dad but he is just one of those guys and maybe because he is my mom's 1st love she will never see that about him. But my grandmother didn't help the situation. My mom had money struggles, relationship struggles, and she had her mother living with her and she just couldn't deal anymore. When she sold the house she said it was because of the financial woes and I am sure that is partly true. But I think with my dad gone she just wanted out, away from grandma and selling the house seemed to be the easiest way to get that. But my grandmother didn't want to move back to NJ and she decided she was going to live with me. Now I must insert here that I CAN'T say no to my grandmother. But there was no way her and Corey were going to make it under the same roof. So my mom stepped in, called my uncle, and brought her a train ticket. Now we get to the ugly part...My grandmother refused to leave my house and my mom had to physically remove her. She carried her out and everything. You are probably wondering what I did...I left them fighting because I couldn't deal with it. I left and took the boys to school. My mom told me her and grandma got into a physical fight that morning...said things to each other they can never take back and ultimately missed the train. But instead of leaving mom waited until the next train departure and made sure grandma was on it. But the twist is my uncle didn't want her to live with him either. So maybe two weeks went by with mom and my uncle going back and forth on the phone about who was going to "keep" grandma. With my uncle saying how his wife and grandma couldn't get along and my mom reminding him that she didn't have a place to live she was staying with my brother and I had the boys and enough on my plate as it is.
Then one morning out of the blue my doorbell rings about 6 am and it's my uncle. He has brought my grandmother back...driven from Jersey City after work if you can believe it. He said she found a senior citizen apartment and that he was going to stay until he had her place secured. He just wanted someone to know she was coming back. So what do you do when you know your mom is going to have a nervous breakdown? You keep it to yourself folks, at least you do if you are me. I didn't say a word all day about grandma. I didn't say a word when my uncle called the next day to tell me he had secured her place and she was moved in and he was heading home. I just got the address and decided to check things out after work. To discover grandma was less than 5 minutes from my house was a bit of a surprise...she had found a place right down the street from Cam's daycare no less. But the apartment was empty. My uncle had bought a twin sized bed and left.
That was 3 years ago and since that time I have been bringing things by. And her place is quite nice. It took me about a month to tell my mom about grandma and it took her about 6 months to go by and visit. Which brings us to now...grandma is getting worse, much worse actually with dementia and paranoia. A decision will have to be made soon because I don't think grandma can be left on her own much longer. Even with me stopping by a couple of days a week. My mom finally gave up on my dad and announced out of the blue that she was marrying some guy from church.
My mom has always resented me...I used to think it was because she and I are so different. But I think it's because my grandmother has always shown me love and never showed it to her. And now we have my mom and her comments, a wedding, and a very ill grandmother who I may wind up taking care of full time.
She is taking care of Cam for me after school. I wanted to give Cam the opportunity to come home after school instead of going to daycare this year and I knew my mom could use a little extra money so...I knew having her here every day would be a challenge but I figured the end justified the means. But with the wedding and my grandmother's rapid decline lately I wonder if mom and I will be on speaking terms by Christmas.
You see my grandmother and I have always been close, I am fairly certain I am the reason she moved down here in the 1st place. She moved about 5 minutes away from me and the whole thing with grandma was probably the nastiest chapter in my family's history. My grandmother is an alcoholic and her body began to decline about 5 years ago. My grandfather died of liver failure when I was 6 but grandma didn't change her behavior and now she is a 73 year old with a body of a 173 year old. Anyway she has episodes of extreme paranoia with people after her or trying to get her keys away from her. And one day she just showed up on my mom's doorstep. She didn't call or anything. My uncle thought she was missing and he had called the police trying to find her when she didn't answer her phone and he found her apartment empty. And then about 4 hours after his call here comes my grandmother rolling up in a cab. She had taken the train down here...Of course my mom wouldn't send her own mom away. But my mom and grandmother never got along. When I was a kid my mom would tell me that grandma never loved her. She didn't know why or what she did she just knew it was true. I couldn't understand what she meant really because grandma to me was always confidante and loving care giver. But when I got older it was obvious to see the difference between how she treated me and how she treated my mom. When my grandmother arrived on my mom's doorstep my dad was living with her.
I have to insert here that my mom and dad have a very complicated history and my grandmother has always hated him. My mom met my dad when she was 15 she was best friends with his sister. My dad moved to NJ with his wife and 2 children to find work like many people did in the 50s and 60s. Anyway he was 10 years older than my mom, married, with 2 children. For a couple of years my mom was friends or acquainted with my dad...like she can recall the story of one of my dad's girlfriends burning up his clothes because he lied about leaving his wife and led her on...But during my mom's senior year she became one of the girlfriends...and they had a long history that still exists to this day.
When my grandmother arrived my dad had moved in with mom and they were planning on getting married as soon as his divorce was final. Which began 2 years of pure torture for my mom I think. Now I don't think my dad was ever going to get a divorce. He is my dad but he is just one of those guys and maybe because he is my mom's 1st love she will never see that about him. But my grandmother didn't help the situation. My mom had money struggles, relationship struggles, and she had her mother living with her and she just couldn't deal anymore. When she sold the house she said it was because of the financial woes and I am sure that is partly true. But I think with my dad gone she just wanted out, away from grandma and selling the house seemed to be the easiest way to get that. But my grandmother didn't want to move back to NJ and she decided she was going to live with me. Now I must insert here that I CAN'T say no to my grandmother. But there was no way her and Corey were going to make it under the same roof. So my mom stepped in, called my uncle, and brought her a train ticket. Now we get to the ugly part...My grandmother refused to leave my house and my mom had to physically remove her. She carried her out and everything. You are probably wondering what I did...I left them fighting because I couldn't deal with it. I left and took the boys to school. My mom told me her and grandma got into a physical fight that morning...said things to each other they can never take back and ultimately missed the train. But instead of leaving mom waited until the next train departure and made sure grandma was on it. But the twist is my uncle didn't want her to live with him either. So maybe two weeks went by with mom and my uncle going back and forth on the phone about who was going to "keep" grandma. With my uncle saying how his wife and grandma couldn't get along and my mom reminding him that she didn't have a place to live she was staying with my brother and I had the boys and enough on my plate as it is.
Then one morning out of the blue my doorbell rings about 6 am and it's my uncle. He has brought my grandmother back...driven from Jersey City after work if you can believe it. He said she found a senior citizen apartment and that he was going to stay until he had her place secured. He just wanted someone to know she was coming back. So what do you do when you know your mom is going to have a nervous breakdown? You keep it to yourself folks, at least you do if you are me. I didn't say a word all day about grandma. I didn't say a word when my uncle called the next day to tell me he had secured her place and she was moved in and he was heading home. I just got the address and decided to check things out after work. To discover grandma was less than 5 minutes from my house was a bit of a surprise...she had found a place right down the street from Cam's daycare no less. But the apartment was empty. My uncle had bought a twin sized bed and left.
That was 3 years ago and since that time I have been bringing things by. And her place is quite nice. It took me about a month to tell my mom about grandma and it took her about 6 months to go by and visit. Which brings us to now...grandma is getting worse, much worse actually with dementia and paranoia. A decision will have to be made soon because I don't think grandma can be left on her own much longer. Even with me stopping by a couple of days a week. My mom finally gave up on my dad and announced out of the blue that she was marrying some guy from church.
My mom has always resented me...I used to think it was because she and I are so different. But I think it's because my grandmother has always shown me love and never showed it to her. And now we have my mom and her comments, a wedding, and a very ill grandmother who I may wind up taking care of full time.
Labels: family, reflecting, relationships
posted by Cat at
11:05 AM
4 Comments:
Your post reminded me of a sad day in my family, when my dad and uncle had to put my grandfather into a nursing home. They had to physically carry him kicking and yelling from the car into the facility. He was 96, I was 23, but felt very small that day. I didn't know what to do, or could do.
I feel so much of what you are going through Cat because of my mom now. It seems every time I call her she is a little weaker, a little more helpless, even though she has good 24/7 care in place and I know there's nothing more I could do. But at times I feel the guilt rise up in me none the less.
Your family life sounds so fractured to me, and I'm sure that doesn't help one bit, esp with everything on your plate already.
Once again I wish us bloggers were closer geographically, because I know Kimba and I would be there, she'd help you with your grandma, and I could take care of those house repairs for you.
I guess a long distance hug will have to do instead...
Take care Cat, and don't forget to breath, and a pillow helps to muffle a really good scream once in a while too.
"gramps fuse"
Yoy.. Cat.. Crumbs.. Your family is really testing your strength right now.
Fuse is right.. we'd offer you good help if we could get close enough to you.. but he doesn't know that you and I are going on a road trip before anything else.. xx
I imagine you get along better with your grandmother, than your mother does, because you don't have the same baggage. If your grandmother was drinking when your mom was young, she wasn't really there for her. Living with an alcoholic parent leaves you permanently scarred.
As for your grandmother, sounds like the drinking has caught up with her brain. She needs 24hour care.
You've got more than enough on your plate girl. Wish I could help. Can't do much but listen. Take care sweetie.
Family relationships are always so complex. Sounds like my mum and grandmother have similar issues to yours.
Best wishes
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