Don't Ask Me...

I try not to give advice. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of my comments is probably laughing right now. I said I "try" not to give advice. I feel like I am willing to go out on a limb that most people wouldn't feel comfortable with. So I try to keep that in my mind whenever a friend is asking for advice on their relationship. Accept when it comes to my sister-in-law with her I just listen. Because I know anything I say will get back to my brother and I will look like the man hating sister again. He thinks I hate men, I swear I don't. I hate lazy waste of space men and my brother falls into that category. He is my brother though so even when I say things like that it is different. We are not getting a divorce, we will always be brother and sister. Over time I learned that important difference and kept my mouth shut whenever she would call.

A couple of years ago I didn't follow my rule. It started out with me just talking about my own situation. But my friend identified with me and within 6 months she had left her husband. She moved away to be closer to her family and now a year later has decided to move again to be closer to her new boyfriend. She seems happy and I am glad to see it. But a part of me always feels guilty and somewhat responsible. I just had to open my big mouth. She thanks me all the time for all my advice and support. But in the back of my mind I always think of her daughter who is now 2 states away from her dad. Did I play a part in breaking up her family?

I have a friend and his marriage is in trouble. Whenever we talk I feel this urge to bite my tongue off. He is a big boy and certainly wouldn't make any life decisions based on anything I say. So why am I biting my tongue so much of the time? I care about him and I hate to see him so unhappy. I want to be a good friend and a unbiased ear whenever he needs one. Hopefully I can do that without opening my big mouth. When it comes to marriage I have a better chance of sticking my foot in there as I do giving any helpful advice.

Who left the vibrator lying around?

I am not a big fan of masturbating. For me it is the option of last resort. The thing I do when I am just too frustrated to fall asleep. I went to one of those sex toy parties a friend had over a year ago and bought a vibrator. I have to support my friends after all. The vibrator stayed in its box unopened for at least a year. Then this summer I was up late (thanks a lot MNG) and I was forced to bring the contraption out of the box. Well over the summer and approaching fall the damn thing has become part of my routine. Instead of hanging out in my drawer in a box it has found a place under one of my pillows. Yep, pretty pathetic I use it so much now I don't even put it away anymore. I didn't even notice this sad fact until yesterday when I decided to put all the pillows on the bed, make things pretty for the meeting. My 1st thought, "damn who left the vibrator lying around?" I put it away and I feel honor bound to leave it in the drawer for awhile. I don't want to make using it a habit or anything. I like living on my own but I really miss regular sex. You just can't beat it. It's the best hands down. Or in my case lately hands free ;)

Hiding Out...

It is hard to decide what to write about after Wonder Woman. I am always amazed at what I will say, Ms. Private/Conservative just letting it fly. Then I will get a comment or MNG will laugh and then I think to myself, damn did I really reveal that?

Today is kind of a big day for me. Every year I have a meeting with my son's case manager and other service providers to redo his paperwork/funding for another year. That meeting is today and as always I am nervous. But today is special because it is the 1st time that the meeting will be held at my house. I have to admit that I am a little unnerved by the idea of them seeing what this year has been like instead of just hearing or reading about it. My first instinct was to replace the door, have a contractor fix the walls, and so on. But the truth is not only can I not afford to do that right now. But it would be a lie. I am not sure why I am so afraid of letting anyone see me in need. The whole point of the meeting and the funding is that I am in need. I don't ever want my pride to stand in the way of my son getting all the services he deserves. But sometimes I think that it does.

The Wonder Woman Fantasy

I have been told my bondage/lesbian fantasy about Wonder Woman is cool. To be honest I never thought so I always thought it was a bit embarrassing. I have had it since I was a kid. Of course with time it has become more elaborate and more sexual but the main ingredients have remained the same.

It starts with me making a play for Steve. Wonder Woman catches me and throws her lasso securing my arms to my sides. When she starts to pull me towards her I resist. I have always thought it would be more fun to resist any restraint, why go down without a fight? After a bit of this Wonder Woman gets the upper hand and is on top of me with me on my back. She secures my arms over my head with her lasso and takes off my clothes. Then she goes down on me, oh but she always bites my stomach on the way down. Just when I am at the brink of climax.... Steve enters me. Yeah even in my lesbian fantasies I need a penis to finish me off what can I say.

Still cool Emily?

Alanis watch out...

You Are an Indie Rocker!

You are in it for the love of the music... And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label. You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success. You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Out of Favor?

I have been involved in a comment thread on one of my favorite blogs the last couple of days about religion. Most people try to avoid the subject with a 10ft pole for obvious reasons. I actually like discussing religion, politics, sexuality. I just don't see how one can form a firm opinion on it if they are afraid to even talk about it. The comment thread went all over the spectrum from gay marriage to women preaching. I couldn't resist putting in my 2 cents, maybe it was even 5 cents by the end of it LOL. Then FTN summed things up and used the phrase "in favor". Out of favor and In favor are phrases that I have used most of my life. It may be terribly simplistic to think in those terms but I do and always have. Which made me wonder, the self discovery, the path I have been on the past year or so, is it bringing me closer to being in favor or out of favor?

Are we moving away from gay and straight?

(11:39:32)marguaritte: nydailynews
(11:40:15)marguaritte: when are Americans going to learn that people aren't just 'straight' or 'gay'? There's so many steps in between -- THIS kind of thing should prove that.

For some reason this really made me think about our sexuality. Now that we have evolved away from relationships primary role being about survival ie. procreation. I wonder if we are also beginning to evolve away from "gay" and "straight" and moving more towards bi-sexuality. We talk about this kind of thing all the time and I typically joke that I know I am straight because when I think of sexual completion I need a penis to be part of it. But the more I think about that statement the more I wonder if I associate completion with a penis because straight sex is the only sex I know. I can't help but wonder if I experienced satisfying sex with a woman if I would be so sure. Which then makes me wonder, could I have satisfying sex with a woman? Which leads to and if I could does that mean I am gay? And that leads me back to my original question/statement of with procreation out of the picture is sexuality more about who you meet and love and less about the labels "gay" or "straight"?

My first reaction to the article was that men hide being gay because of the social stigma that is still associated with being gay. And what being on the down low really means is gay men pretending to be straight to avoid alienation. But I am beginning to wonder if it is that simple. Or if there are truly bisexual men? Just something rolling around in my head...

I love this time of year...

I love our weather year around but autumn is definitely my favorite time of year. I feel like a big kid wanting to skip school. I find it impossible to get out of bed without hitting snooze a couple of times. When I got to work this morning the parking lot was almost empty. I guess everyone had autumn fever.

Hubby called me today. It is just so weird how easily we fall back into a conversation like we were never terrible to each other. I don't know if that is because of the boys or because we have known each other since we were 12. Whatever the reason no matter how far we go in an argument, no matter how long we go without speaking, I always know that our rift won't last. That sooner or later we will at the very least be "friends" again.

Well it's official MNG agreed that she cannot say's post did have a lot of similarities to our time in DC. But MNG I agree with you ours WAS much better ;)

Pleasant Flashback...

I was reading one of my favorite blogs and it brought back a pleasant memory. I am sure I mentioned that I am NOT a writer. The select few who are on my friends list on live journal can tell you that most of the good stuff is behind a comment like "too twisted for public consumption" or "hot kinky sex". This is mostly because I am a dork and I find it impossible to describe... he put his hand here and I did this or that. I guess it is just not my forte. When I was reading her blog it reminded me of my last day in DC with MNG, right down to the sweat. MNG if you are checking out my blog see if you agree with me.

It has been tough coming back to reality after my trip. But I am back to the same old same old of kids, school, work, and chores.

It was really nice to be reminded of a time when all of that was the furthest thing from my mind...

Penis Envy

I have resented the fact that the rules are different for boys since I was a young girl. I am the oldest but my brother was allowed to spend the night with his friends. Even though my brother was Joe Clueless he could be trusted out later and he could be trusted to remain safe at someone's house overnight. He could also play touch football with the neighborhood boys. Of course for me it wasn't just that I would be the only girl outside playing football. It was also that once I was out there things changed. I can remember resenting my body, my hips and breasts. I felt like I wasn't a person because of my body. I was an object to be gaped at. I was a thing that could be touched and grabbed without giving consent. For some reason if I was there the focus moved from play to sex.

As an adult I have learned to love my body (multi-orgasms are definitely a plus;) I have learned to appreciate the gaping and the occasional grope (from the right person and only with my consent). And I have learned how to appreciate and exploit the differences in the rules. But every once in awhile I still wish I had a penis.

This is so damn wrong...

This is NSFW (absolutely not safe for work!). My co-workers are the biggest freaks and pervs on the planet. I rarely share the weird crazy stuff they pass around. So why am I sharing this vid you ask? Because I need to know that there is someone else sitting at their computer with their mouth gaped open thinking OMG! This is so wrong...

Pterodactyl Sex

Is it Jurrasic Park gone terribly wrong? No, it's naked. It's moaning. It's Pterodactyl sex. I can't explain it. I am completely floored by it. I will never go into a natural history museum with a straight face again...

Live and Let Live?

I have noticed a trend on a few of the blogs I read that I find unsettling. You have someone write about their life or at least a portion of it. And to me they are inviting you into their world. Maybe they are in a tough situation or at least you think they are but they have their reasons for living that way. I find it amazing how quickly someone will comment and tell someone to leave their spouse, home, and children. Or they will advise them to have an affair or insinuate that their mate is having one. It seems pretty arrogant if you ask me. I comment but I hope I never force my opinion when I do. Because frankly I don't think it is my place. There is one blog in particular where someone that I have never seen comment before wrote an entire disertation on why the blogger should leave his wife. And why it is a waste of time and a bad decision for him to stay in the marriage for his daughter. When I read it my jaw dropped. WTF???? I am pretty sure the blogger weighed all the options and made the decision HE is most comfortable with for HIS life.

I don't know I guess I think there is a fine line between healthy dialog and meeting like minded individuals through your blog. And arrogant assholes getting off by judging you and commenting without the benefit of knowing all the facts. I mean come on, is there anyone who can honestly cast the 1st stone? And if you are really that together what the hell are you doing on blogger anyway?

An anniversary you can't help but remember...

I guess like most people especially in America it is impossible not to acknowledge September 11th. For me it was the beginning and the end. The end because after the worst election of my life; where I was left feeling popular opinion was the polar opposite of my own and my leadership no longer represented me. I also saw my financial success of the 90's come to an end.

And the beginning because I was supposed to close on my house on that fateful day. Of course because of everything that happened the closing date was postponed until the 14th. I would begin a series of 3 lay offs after that date. But also find ways to remain on my own without the security of a job in some cases and keep my house. Beginnings and Endings.

For a lot of people it was a sad and tragic end. For me even with set backs and let downs it was a great beginning...

Taking Stock

I had one of those weekends that I love. The kind where my mom and hubby are not involved to bring me down with their negativity. I spent a big part of it celebrating Cam's birthday. Somehow it has become a tradition to take the whole week to celebrate this very special day. Sometimes I let all that is wrong bring me down, but it never lasts. Because there is so much that is right, and I am so grateful for that. This weekend was that kind of weekend the kind with all the reminders of what is right, wonderful, and good in my life...

It's not just him, I have changed...

When I read this article I realized how far apart me and hubby's opinions/beliefs have become. I guess it is one of the best things about being human the ability to learn and evolve. I guess it is also one of the most difficult parts of marriage evolving and learning but staying together. I am pretty sure my opinions/beliefs on polymory, monogamy, marriage, etc didn't change all that much. But truthfully at 21 I don't think I had a firm idea of what my beliefs were on anything, certainly not marriage. I found Regina's article interesting and as usual I agreed with a lot of what she said. I don't think my husband or even my family would feel the same. Just one of the things floating around in my head today...

It's like this...

I discovered yet another nasty v-mail from hubby yesterday, he left it Tuesday night. I was busy and didn't realize he called, not that he has the right to speak to me that way even if I had been ignoring his call. But the truth is I have 2 sons, a job, a puppy, it's not like I am sitting at the spa, ya know. So I made up my mind that I was going to confront him and let him know that I felt the calls were uncalled for and frankly disrespectful. And shock and awe when he called last night I actually did it. I told him in a calm clear voice, without shouting or losing my temper. And when I was done he quietly apologized almost like a pup with his tail between his legs.

I have issues...

I guess most people do and the rest are lying to themselves. One of my issues is shopping. I love to shop and if I wasn't a poor working stiff with 2 kids and a mortgage I would probably have an addiction. I have been on a no shopping diet all summer making the sacrifices any mom would to ensure my boys had a great summer. But school is back in session and while I was out buying the supplies for the boys I found something oh so lovely...

I can't deny that I have several pair of lace up shoes similar to these. And if 2 of the 6 pair are black? Well they are not the same, they don't have a pointed toe and I am sure the heel isn't as high ;) I was tempted to buy them in brown too but I restrained myself, at least for now. But I can't promise I won't go back and get them.

Happy Labor Day...

Well yesterday was disappointing, I knew Agassi wouldn't win but I was hoping he could make it to the quarter finals. Oh well, he played 2 excellent matches for anyone but especially someone his age...

I have chores to do but I would much rather sit around and watch television. It is Labor Day after all. Might as well take advantage of the last day off until Thanksgiving.

I spent the night at hubby's but I couldn't let go of all the things that have happened and been said lately. I figure my days are numbered with him. One thing I have learned is the quickest way to bring issues to a head is to stop having sex;) He might put up with anything to have it but he doesn't have much tolerance without it...

It is what it is...

Nothing annoys me more than a man assuming I am putting on airs to impress him. I love football, have since I was 11 or 12. Without fail if I am having a conversation about football some guy is going to assume I watch to see men in tight pants, or I watch to seem more dateable, or I watch to see men in top physical condition (in a sexual way). I used to argue the point and try to explain that I like the speed, a man passing someone like he is standing still. I like the physical aggression, I have always envied that about men the ability to just physically over power someone. I like football, plain and simple whether or not some guy is impressed. Now that I am 36 years old it is not just annoying for a man to assume I am tailoring my interests, opinions, and conversations around him it is downright insulting. I guess it is just one of the many traits of the arrogant male. And I do appreciate and understand that since the man is typically the one to pursue so by definiton the one with the most risk of rejection it is necessary to be a bit arrogant. But fellas, please get a grip will ya? I am not going to be an atheist just because you are, I am not going to love metal just because you do, I am not watching Agassi say fairwell after watching ESPN because you will be impressed. Trust me on this, I can find a suitable penis (forgive me a man;) Without resorting to putting on airs...

Yeah!

Andre Agassi of the United States smiles after he defeated Marcos Baghdatis of Cyprus at the US Open tennis tournament in New York, Thursday, Aug. 31, 2006.


It is nothing new for me to be up until midnight watching Agassi at the Open, sadly this will be the last year...